Diary of a Chronically Single Girl

Dear Diary,

I had another friend get engaged last week. Watching people in your life get married is a funny thing. On the one hand, you’re genuinely happy for them and that they’ve found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. But there’s a dash of something more bitter mixed in as well. The way you know this person is about to completely change. Gone are the days when you can call them at a moment’s notice. Planning a wedding takes over all their free time. And of course, there’s the prospect of attending another wedding alone.

The little voice in the back of my head suggests that these thoughts are selfish. Obviously, someone else’s engagement and marriage isn’t about me at all. Being a witness to a lifetime commitment is a joy and a privilege. It reminds me why I have spent so long wanting to find someone to share my life with. But it’s also a glaring sign that screams, “You’re still single!”

I used to have this reoccurring dream where it was my wedding day. I’d be surrounded by friends and family in a beautiful place, but I’d know something was wrong. As it got closer to the ceremony, I’d break out into a full panic. Suddenly, it would hit me: there wasn’t going to be a groom at the end of that aisle. I’d try everything to convince people that this was all a big mistake, that I didn’t even have a fiancé. But the dream always ended with me headed down an empty aisle. I’d wake up before I reached the end.

I’m sure that dream could be interpreted a lot of different ways, but if anything, I see it as a visual representation of what singleness feels like. You’re always silently preparing yourself to walk down that aisle, to walk towards the one thing you want most in the world. But so often, the dream is nothing more than a reminder that you’re alone.

At the same time, I’m grateful for the people in my life who remind me that marriage is worth waiting for. And that it’s ok to hold joy and sorrow at the same time.

XO,

Chronically Single