Diary of a Chronically Single Girl

Dear Diary,

I don’t think people always understand that just because I’ve never been in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that I haven’t experienced heartbreak. Heartbreak doesn’t care about formalities like labels. To care for someone, to love them even, but never get to the relationship part is mostly pain and very little pleasure.

My lack of romantic history has been complicated for many reasons. At first, there just weren’t even any boys on my radar. I was happy to sit on the sidelines and harbor hopeless crushes. It wasn’t until college that I started to see real possibilities. I just tended to have comically bad luck actually getting anywhere with them.

There was the boy who I admitted I had feelings for, and it only made him realize that he was actually in love with one of my other friends (they’re married now). There was the boy I worked with that took me on my first real date and then completely ghosted me. And there was the boy who was my best friend, that I loved with my whole heart but wasn’t meant to be with.

Each one of those experiences were different in their own ways, but each one left a mark. Yes, on the outside, I technically had no right to mourn them like exes. I honestly think that in some cases, having your heart broken by someone who you weren’t actually in a relationship with is worse. Doubt and guilt creep in like viruses, telling you that you’re simply being overdramatic, that you have no legitimate reason to be upset. There might be a little kernel of truth in that, but the heart can’t always tell the difference.

So I may not have any exes, but I guess I do have some ghosts. Because they were never really there in the first place, were they?

xo,

Chronically Single