Diary of a Chronically Single Girl

Dear Diary,

Today, I want to talk about dating apps. Being single in the modern world seems impossible without them but after having nearly two years’ experience, I have some feelings about their place in this single girl’s life.

I distinctly remember the first time I downloaded a dating app. I was just out of college and hadn’t been on a real date in several years. I was emerging from the pandemic and all social interaction was daunting, especially in a possible dating world. For those first few months, I couldn’t even work up the courage to actually go on a date with any of my matches. Things were fine, right up until the moment when they asked me out. Then, I would quickly realize that the person I had been talking with was no longer just in my head but actually interested in meeting me. That caused a surge of anxiety strong enough to convince me it was a good idea to just stop talking to them.

A few months later, I relocated for work. One of my roommates told me she met her serious boyfriend (now fiancé) on a dating app, and I decided to give it another try. Over the next year, I did go on dates. Most were mediocre and a couple were pretty good. But with the exception of one second date, they never went anywhere. Dating apps are low risk in terms of emotional investment, so I obviously wasn’t heartbroken when nothing materialized after a date. Instead, I felt like I was grieving potential.

But what led me to dating apps in the first place? A lack of potential. I could blame a lot of things, from the global pandemic to my unique college experience, but ultimately, I turned to them because I felt the absence of potential. No longer was I surrounded by peers like in school. Walking around campus, I could easily convince myself that a potential suitor might be floating amongst the crowd. Now, my pool of potentiality is alarmingly shallow.

I certainly have learned some valuable lessons from being on dating apps, but now, they seem to only cause frustration. I think about all the times I met up with a match only for them to decide that one hour with me was enough for them to know they didn’t want to spend any more time with me. Logically, I know it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me, but emotionally, it makes me feel like I’m simply unwanted. Opening that app no longer feels like potential but more like a reminder of disappointed hopes.

Moving forward, I’ve decided to ditch the apps. I fear they were doing more harm for my mental health than good. Instead, I’m choosing to hope and pray that it’s within God’s power to bring someone into my life. I know that sounds naive, but I would rather choose to hope in what potential there is than let a lack of it control me.

xo,

Chronically Single