Diary of a Chronically Single Girl

Dear Diary,

Rejection. The thing that everyone dreads, from the chronically single to those with the most checkered of dating pasts. Obviously, rejection is unpleasant in any area but being rejected romantically is a particular type of pain. No matter how confident you are in yourself, rejection amplifies the critical voice in the back of your head. It convinces you that the darkest things you think about yourself might be true, that of course you are unwanted.

Acceptance. The antithesis of rejection, the thing that everyone craves. It’s acceptance that affirms self-confidence. When received, acceptance is a relief, a freedom to leave yourself open to possibility. In the dating world, acceptance is the beginning of something, an acknowledging that someone else wants to know you for who you truly are.

Everyone experiences rejection and acceptance in turn, but when you have only ever experienced rejection in the dating world, it becomes harder and harder to believe that acceptance is possible there. Having a crush is one thing, but once I admit to myself that I might have real feelings for someone, the familiar cloud of self-doubt rolls in.

What makes this time any different? What reason do I have to believe that I’m capable of being accepted? I dare not say anything and get the pain of rejection over with swiftly, but instead conduct a slow game of mental gymnastics where I allow myself the occasional dose of hope that I’m wrong. I’ll hold onto that hope to the very last drop and when it’s gone, I count the cost.

I was recently trying to explain this to someone, and they replied, “You know it’s hard for everyone? That I’ve experienced rejection, too?” to which I countered, “Yes, but you’ve also known acceptance.” Sometimes, I need the reminder that it’s ok to mourn my lack of romantic acceptance. I don’t have any memories of acceptance to hold on to in times of rejection. Instead, I have a closet of rejection lined up like old coats. I just have to choose to believe that acceptance will come along one day.

xo,

Chronically Single